i’m building this playlist as i’m writing and thinking and generally reflecting on the past 24 days since i’ve written last. listen to it if you want while you read.

i told my therapist today that even though i’ve been going through a lot of (sh*t) stuff, i’ve become more self-aware. i’m more cognizant of what i need and how i need to make myself feel better. i’m in new york city for 10 more days before i go ‘home’, and then i start school and hopefully everything’s back to normal again.

i explained to someone the other day why i’ve been anxious– from moving to LA, living by myself, doing things by myself for myself, having a full time job… he said, “isn’t that everything you wanted?”. and yes, it was everything i wanted and still want. it took me a second to figure out why things weren’t as great as i had expected them to be.

i was excited for change. big change. and yeah, i created the biggest change i could possibly contrive for myself. every single facet of life changed once i moved. for one, where i was; more importantly, who i was with (and who i wasn’t), what i spent most of my day doing, the expanded control i had over the minute choices in my day, new earthquakes, new injuries, new health concerns. problems.

the change was explosive. gut-wrenching. and, in a lot of ways, problematic. i assumed i was ready for these adjustments, seeing as they were, in fact, “everything i wanted”. but, the fact that i eventually begged for an escape back to new york proves that i wasn’t as prepared as i had originally thought myself to be.

i was not ok. now i’m ok. i have breathing room. i keep using that word in conversations. ‘breathe’. i can breathe. i’m turning 20 next month and 6 weeks ago moving out to la i thought i was 19 going on 27.

yeah, i feel back to being 19.

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“i don’t wanna go home

shall we drive from zone to zone?

i wouldn’t do this on my own”

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i know a lot of you check in on here often to see what i’m sharing even though i’m pretty infrequent with posts. if you want to be updated of when i do write on here, you can sign up for a newsletter from me so you don’t have to be disappointed when you drop by and nothing’s changed.

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are you watching game of thrones? are you going to see endgame next week? what about high life or us or free solo? it seems like every week i’m watching something new in theatres or on hbo. the content has been endlessly (good, for the most part).

i’m watching other stuff too, day to day. here are the other things i’ve been loving.

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1. dead end

i found vewn recently after going down a rabbit hole of weird animated videos. dead end is another weird animated video with unnerving “camera” shots and pastel-y palettes and angular lines that evoke the lifeless atmosphere of a school counselor’s office.

“step 1: graduate

step 2: ?????????

step 3: profit!”

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2. the underdogs

i sent this to my parents the other day saying, “kind of anti-apple-aesthetic video, but i love it.” sums it up. we’ve been seeing more skit-like ads from apple lately instead of more “real moment” videos like my favorite one from christmas a few years back. hopefully for the better?

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3. me at 26

will is what i wished youtube was more of. every year, he reflects on changes in his life given his new age, sharing pictures to complement the things that he’s experienced. often they’re happy-sad. solemn but hopeful is a way i’d describe it. they never fail to soothe.

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4. billie eilish makes music differently

i don’t listen to billie eilish, but my friends do. she’s seemingly everywhere and it’s taken me a second to realize how incredible her success has been the past few months. in a facetime with a nytimes reporter, billie breaks down the entire process behind ‘bury a friend’ from recording a tooth drill during a dentist appointment to recording her entire album in her brother’s childhood bedroom. cool.

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happy saturday

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