ebbs and flows

hi. i’m here now after three months of what seems like some of the most up-and-down anxiety-inducing-yet-ultimately-satisfactory period of my life so far. i took a break to kind of face that time on my own - i don’t think i would’ve had the courage or even mental capacity to write publicly about the cacophony that was this past semester (my third of eight in college).

the past couple of entries here have been downcast. i can’t not admit that my state of mind over the summer and for the few months leading up to now has been a dark blue. i saw reflections in my attitude and feelings of self-worth and -value that mimicked how i perceived myself in middle school - just hopeless and sick (note: i’ve never fully opened up about that time; this post i wrote in 9th grade gives the smallest glimpse of it). thinking back on those early years of teenagedom has only made me realize how much i needed to be stronger now.

i’m 20. i started writing here when i felt alone seven years ago.

can you believe that? how could i let myself fall back into the traps of my mind from when i was 13? why couldn’t i resist? what was wrong with feeling alone again?

just like the last few years of teenage-now-adultdom have ebbed and flowed in an effort to find myself, so too have the past few months. releasing myself from the firm grasp of summer depressions, learning to rely on my friends who i didn’t initially believe could help (and really truly do), focusing on what i love (because art is what matters) and not on what i don’t, calling my parents, calling abby (my best friend from home), appreciating the mornings listening to npr by myself, cooking for myself again — i had to learn to do these things before i could get out of where i was. this hole that i kept digging myself into every time i told myself i couldn’t get out.

i’m above that hole now. i’ve been able to enjoy small things again (e.g. something like a midnight drive on a tuesday) because i’ve disentangled myself from the dark blue that used to tower over me.

i’m home in new york as i write this. only now can i sit down and really think about the ebbs and flows of june and july and august and september and october and november. it’s over now (or it feels like it). i’m just sailing.

i’ll update more frequently here now. i promise.

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