i’m building this playlist as i’m writing and thinking and generally reflecting on the past 24 days since i’ve written last. listen to it if you want while you read.

i told my therapist today that even though i’ve been going through a lot of (sh*t) stuff, i’ve become more self-aware. i’m more cognizant of what i need and how i need to make myself feel better. i’m in new york city for 10 more days before i go ‘home’, and then i start school and hopefully everything’s back to normal again.

i explained to someone the other day why i’ve been anxious– from moving to LA, living by myself, doing things by myself for myself, having a full time job… he said, “isn’t that everything you wanted?”. and yes, it was everything i wanted and still want. it took me a second to figure out why things weren’t as great as i had expected them to be.

i was excited for change. big change. and yeah, i created the biggest change i could possibly contrive for myself. every single facet of life changed once i moved. for one, where i was; more importantly, who i was with (and who i wasn’t), what i spent most of my day doing, the expanded control i had over the minute choices in my day, new earthquakes, new injuries, new health concerns. problems.

the change was explosive. gut-wrenching. and, in a lot of ways, problematic. i assumed i was ready for these adjustments, seeing as they were, in fact, “everything i wanted”. but, the fact that i eventually begged for an escape back to new york proves that i wasn’t as prepared as i had originally thought myself to be.

i was not ok. now i’m ok. i have breathing room. i keep using that word in conversations. ‘breathe’. i can breathe. i’m turning 20 next month and 6 weeks ago moving out to la i thought i was 19 going on 27.

yeah, i feel back to being 19.

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“i don’t wanna go home

shall we drive from zone to zone?

i wouldn’t do this on my own”

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i’m feeling lost. anxious. on edge.

alone.

i’m not lonely but i feel alone.

there’s a lot going on in los angeles and in my life and i’m having a hard time keeping up with the changes by myself. earthquakes are on my mind. the big one seems to be looming over california. this overwhelming feeling of being alone in a disaster makes me uneasy. it’s hard to stay grounded when, for days, talk of how to be prepared for an event like that was all that seemed to be on the news. it’s funny how we listen to the news to keep informed about current events, but sometimes it’s too much weight to bear. it messes with me sometimes.

i took a break for a few days.

i’m still adjusting to this new life here, but it seems like things are being thrown at me before i’ve acclimated to alone-ness. i need to learn to enjoy alone-ness before i can be okay with being alone in scenarios where i don’t want to be.

i fractured my foot in an accident of my own doing on friday. i spent most of the day in different hospitals around los angeles just trying to get help on my own. i have never been alone when i was hurt. i have never used a wheelchair before. it was difficult for me to get around, but i kept trying. los angeles felt so big and i felt so so small. isolated. i think i felt more psychological and emotional pain on friday than i did physical. my foot is still blue and purple and black all over, and i’m working from home the rest of the month.

life is hitting me harder than i thought it would right now. i am more fragile and susceptible to complete emotional pivots within my day. i just want to go home.

i just want to be honest.

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yeah. i moved out to los angeles. officially. seriously. formally.

also, hi. it’s been a minute.

i moved out on june 5th. it’s been a few weeks since then and i’m slowly adjusting. my room back in nyc is no longer mine. i’ve transferred all of my belongings to my new “mini house” in los angeles. i’m at 716 1/2. i think i’m going to call it ‘half haus’.

i’m still processing the feelings that i’m going through right now. it’s been almost like a slap in the face how abruptly my lifestyle has changed. suddenly i have a full time job, i’m paying for gas and electricity, and i am the only human functioning what is now ‘home’. it’s a shell-shock into the world of independence but also to the world of responsibility.

it’s invigorating. but, i’m kind of tired.

i love what’s going on around me. what kind of world i am starting to make for myself. i love what i’m doing at my new job (at UNUM). i love being able to cook in my own little kitchen. i love being able to hang art anywhere and everywhere i want. i love the space i am creating. there is no other word to describe this feeling but ‘exciting’.

i feel really good. i don’t have any self doubts like i have had in the past. if anything, i am ever-more confident of who i am and what i can do. but, man oh man, uni is a totally different world than this one. i am drained. (creative) thinking is at an all-time high (given the sheer volume of content that i am producing 45 hours a week. i think i am being pushed to my limits. hopefully it’ll be easier from here).

my home is “my home”. hopefully i can show you soon how i’ve made it izzy-ified. as for nyc home, i miss it a lot. i miss new york city already. but i think i am ready for big change. and that change has happened at a fitting time.

i love you, new york.

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