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if i'm being honest
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i’m feeling lost. anxious. on edge.

alone.

i’m not lonely but i feel alone.

there’s a lot going on in los angeles and in my life and i’m having a hard time keeping up with the changes by myself. earthquakes are on my mind. the big one seems to be looming over california. this overwhelming feeling of being alone in a disaster makes me uneasy. it’s hard to stay grounded when, for days, talk of how to be prepared for an event like that was all that seemed to be on the news. it’s funny how we listen to the news to keep informed about current events, but sometimes it’s too much weight to bear. it messes with me sometimes.

i took a break for a few days.

i’m still adjusting to this new life here, but it seems like things are being thrown at me before i’ve acclimated to alone-ness. i need to learn to enjoy alone-ness before i can be okay with being alone in scenarios where i don’t want to be.

i fractured my foot in an accident of my own doing on friday. i spent most of the day in different hospitals around los angeles just trying to get help on my own. i have never been alone when i was hurt. i have never used a wheelchair before. it was difficult for me to get around, but i kept trying. los angeles felt so big and i felt so so small. isolated. i think i felt more psychological and emotional pain on friday than i did physical. my foot is still blue and purple and black all over, and i’m working from home the rest of the month.

life is hitting me harder than i thought it would right now. i am more fragile and susceptible to complete emotional pivots within my day. i just want to go home.

i just want to be honest.

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i moved out
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yeah. i moved out to los angeles. officially. seriously. formally.

also, hi. it’s been a minute.

i moved out on june 5th. it’s been a few weeks since then and i’m slowly adjusting. my room back in nyc is no longer mine. i’ve transferred all of my belongings to my new “mini house” in los angeles. i’m at 716 1/2. i think i’m going to call it ‘half haus’.

i’m still processing the feelings that i’m going through right now. it’s been almost like a slap in the face how abruptly my lifestyle has changed. suddenly i have a full time job, i’m paying for gas and electricity, and i am the only human functioning what is now ‘home’. it’s a shell-shock into the world of independence but also to the world of responsibility.

it’s invigorating. but, i’m kind of tired.

i love what’s going on around me. what kind of world i am starting to make for myself. i love what i’m doing at my new job (at UNUM). i love being able to cook in my own little kitchen. i love being able to hang art anywhere and everywhere i want. i love the space i am creating. there is no other word to describe this feeling but ‘exciting’.

i feel really good. i don’t have any self doubts like i have had in the past. if anything, i am ever-more confident of who i am and what i can do. but, man oh man, uni is a totally different world than this one. i am drained. (creative) thinking is at an all-time high (given the sheer volume of content that i am producing 45 hours a week. i think i am being pushed to my limits. hopefully it’ll be easier from here).

my home is “my home”. hopefully i can show you soon how i’ve made it izzy-ified. as for nyc home, i miss it a lot. i miss new york city already. but i think i am ready for big change. and that change has happened at a fitting time.

i love you, new york.

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recently i've been...
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…home. i’m home again. finally. i’m in new york city, if it’s been that long that you need a reminder. it’s been 6 days here and only t-18 days until i’m back in los angeles. it’s been an interesting few weeks.

my health is… improving? i started therapy. i finished classes and had exams. went to study color at the getty one night. got $5 ramen the other. had a party with my filmmaking cohort on a roof in downtown la. made new friends. therapy. made s’mores with my roommates at the fire pit and we just talked. ate dim sum. spent the day on a trampoline with my preschool friend who i still love. saw another doctor. flew home. mother’s day. saw my best friend from high school and day-napped together. about to get my aura taken tonight with my family.

it’s been a great few weeks.

i miss my friends back in los angeles. i’ll see them soon.

i’ve been thinking a lot about how best i can spend my next 18 days at home. i’ve been slowly marking things off my checklist of random errands. fix pants? done. watch hanna? done. i have the space for unnecessary tasks. it’s been nice to finally relieve all the little things i’ve been wanting to get done for a couple of months.

i watch movies with my parents in the evening. talk with my -3hr difference friends past midnight. do my errands during the day. and i wake up around 10:30am. i like the balance and the need to not have to do anything. a least for a little bit. (watch me next write about my stir craziness).

here are a few bookmarks that i’ve been bookmarking because internet bookmarks are also relevant to my days:

  1. jacob collier singing make me cry has been on repeat in the house recently. i saw him live in concert a month or two ago in los angeles and this song swayed me. now whenever i listen to it i just kind of entrance myself again.

  2. i’m trying not to buy groceries and baking items that i can’t finish in 3 weeks (and that, honestly, no one else in my house will ever eat). so as i much as i want to make this date granola, i think i’ll wait to try it out until i move into my new place in LA.

  3. i need to make my way to essex market. hopefully, it’s not like chelsea market? they have vegan artisan cheeses. sold.

  4. i’ve been accumulating ways to mitigate my plastic use and waste. re: ‘minimalism’. i need a coffeemaker and i’ve been wanting to try to make my own nut milks instead of buying containers from the grocery store that use huge plastics. it’s cheap too. this solves that.

  5. too bad i never want to go to jfk ever.

see you next week.

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